as the leaves of our first fall in the new house fell, my depression, that i had battled for so many years to overcome, had started weaseling it's way back into my heart. i had fought so hard and went through so much therapy and taken so much medication to overcome it. it took me 20+ something years to get it out of my life and i thought it was gone for good, yet here it was again, creeping it's horrible self back into my life. this time, it was beginning to effect mark's life too.
i felt i was losing myself again. i felt like this was it. i felt like i failed my husband and our families.
you know how most people feel like there was always that one thing they were born to do? like, my mother, she always said she was born to be a doctor and she became one. like my sister, who always knew that she'd have a career that would showcase her creative side and who always knew that one day, she'd have children of her own and be the great mother she is today - she did both of those things. well, for me, i always felt like i was born to be a mother. not just any kind of mother to any kind of child - a mother to my own children, born from my womb, with my DNA and blood running through their veins. i was never motivated in school to become something really great. i had changed my mind about my career several times over. but i never wavered from the idea of becoming a mother. of all the types of careers i delved into, i always made sure that it was something that wouldn't prevent me from becoming the type of mother i always wanted to be.
but now, here i am. in a career with the freedom to be the exact type of mother i have always dreamed to be, but with no children of our own to make it happen. thus, i felt like i had failed.
but, my hero, my love, my wonderful husband, mark, wasn't about to let that happen. with all his heart and devotion, he set out to make things happen for us. i would love to give the details of how he started the ball rolling to make our little miracles happen, but that's one thing i will have to keep just between our little family. let's just say, there really are angels on earth and we are so very blessed to have them as such a big part of our lives. God finally answered our prayers and it was time to start the IVF process again through the Shared Risk Program at Shady Grove Fertility.
it wasn't going to be as simple as we originally thought. we would have to wait to get approved for the program and take a different approach than what we had done in the previous treatments. dr. o'brien wanted to make sure that this time around, we covered all our bases prior to transfer. this meant testing all our remaining embryos (about 27) for any and all genetic abnormalities. it would take a while longer because they would have to extract DNA samples from each embryo, send it to the genetic testing lab, Natera, wait for them to thoroughly test each embryo's DNA sample, compile their findings into a detailed report, send them back to Shady Grove and then have dr. o'brien discuss the findings with us. that took a little longer than we had expected.
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