strike 3, we're out

yeah, again. it happened again.

i wish i could say it hurt less, but it didn't. i wish i could say that somehow i expected it to happen, but i honestly didn't. i wish i could say that it didn't phase me, but it totally did. but mostly, i wish i could say that our little ones are still growing and their little hearts are still beating, but they're not. yes, there were 2 little angels. God has them now, with our other 3 angels. 5 angels total.

i wish i could be more optimistic to try again, but i'm not. the fact is, our insurance won't cover anymore cycles. we've maxed out our benefits for this. so, if we want to try again, everything would be out of pocket. out of empty pockets because, well, we just closed on our new house. our new house that we started building last summer in anticipation of our first little angel. the little angel that's now sleeping in God's arms with her 4 other brothers and sisters. insert waterfall of tears here.

i wish we could afford to try again. i wish we could find a way to afford to try again. i wish i didn't have PCOS. i wish i could just miraculously be able to conceive naturally so we wouldn't have to worry about being able to afford trying again through IVF. i wish God would just give us another chance.

* * * * *

this blog was supposed to be about our little miracles. it was supposed to be about our journey to build our family from a party of 2 to a party of more. it was supposed to be a happy little blog that inspired others to keep trying for their little miracles too. but we have yet to have any little miracles.

so, for now, this blog will be on hiatus. i personally need to heal, emotionally and physically. and well, i'm sure y'all are sick of reading about our heartache. i'm sure tired of writing about it.

so, farewell for now. i hope one day i'll be back with much better news and happier entries. till then, take care and may God bless you all.

sweetly bittersweet

we got a positive! *commence careful happy dancing*

now... after all the excitement, isn't there always a little downside? of course, it's us. there's always a downside it seems.

for this pregnancy, dr. o'brien wanted to take a different approach. instead of injectable hormones this time, she decided to put me on vaginal inserts. the last 2 pregnancies, i had kept getting an allergic reaction to the delestrogen shots. hives everywhere! it was horrible. so this time i took estrogen and progesterone vaginally with no allergic reactions.

i was ecstatic about not having to do shots anymore.... or so i thought. this time around, dr. o also wanted to use lovenox injections and an oral steroid to support the pregnancy. she said the lovenox shot would be subcutaneous (in the belly) and not intramuscular (in the butt). at the time before we started the hormones and the new FET cycle, i thought, "oh, okay. not so bad." i only thought this because the subcutaneous shots i took during IUI weren't bad at all compared to the intramuscular shots; no bruising, hardly any bleeding at all and no pain. this is not the case with the lovenox at all. NOT.AT.ALL.

husband and i were so excited about trying again and trying something new that would help our family grow, we neglected to do the research we usually did when dr. o told us about a new drug or method we were going to try. after we got a positive blood test on monday, we were to start the lovenox treatments the following morning - one shot every morning until directed.

the first shot, yesterday morning, hurt a bit - kind of like a small bruise. but, it didn't look anything like one, no bluish or blackish spot. by mid-afternoon, the pain subsided and i saw hardly anything but a little red spot at the injection site. so, the rest of the day, i didn't think much of it. but when i went to take a shower before bed later that night, i noticed some mild bruising, but no pain. i became a little concerned seeing as i had never bruised from a subcutaneous shot before. we were scheduled to take my second blood pregnancy test the following morning (this morning) so i figured i would just wait to talk to the nurse when we went in.

how do you like my snowman jammies?

so this morning, husband and i got up to take my second shot and the bruise had gotten darker and bigger! i panicked to say the very least. and to top it off, the second shot hurt way more than the first one! i was glad and super anxious to get to the clinic to talk to the nurse. they drew my blood for the pregnancy test and i showed the nurse the bruise. she made a sort of sad face and sighed pretty huge and said, "yeah, it's normal." okay nurse lady, NOT the answer i was hoping for.

but she of course was right. when we got home, i googled "lovenox bruising" and oh the horror! not only is the bruising normal, it could only get worse! with further research, some women had to even endure the shots and pain and bruising all the way till they delivered. while i wasn't at all happy about my findings, i knew it's what i had to do to get what i wanted so bad... a beautiful baby of our own.

as i'm sitting here right now with an ice pack on my stomach to soothe the bruising, i've noticed that though the second injection site hurts like hell, it's hardly bruised at all!

 

let's hope the rest of the time husband and i get the hang of not bruising me up with these shots!

yay! we're pregnant! 

well played Jesus, well played.

so today is ash wednesday and the beginning of lent. if you're not catholic, here's some information to keep you up to speed... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lent

i debated today whether or not to write this post cause it'd reveal more than i want to right now. but i decided i should for memory's sake... which right now, i severely lack! haha

so long story short...

we started a new IVF cycle just after the new year. they did the FET (frozen embryo transfer) just this monday, february 11. and now we're back to the 2 week wait.

and in the midst of all this...

we celebrated husband's 35th birthday with family the weekend prior to the FET. i felt a little bad that i hadn't gotten him a gift because of all the commotion and chaos with the FET and our other big event happening soon! but he reassured me that having a healthy and successful pregnancy was enough of a gift. i'm hoping in 9 months i can fulfill that. knock on wood. everything crossed. infinite prayers.

so where does the mention of lent and ash wednesday fall into place? well, obviously, some of the terms to being pregnant or possibly pregnant are no drinking and no caffeine. and if you read the lenten info, it's a common practice for catholics to give up something for lent as a form of self control or sorts. with the possible pregnancy and lent coinciding, i thought "perfect timing". i have to give up alcohol and caffeine for the possible pregnancy so that can also be my sacrifice for lent... just hopefully extended to 9 months instead of the obligatory 40 days!

also, as any mother to be knows, it will be easier to hide the possible pregnancy till it's time to announce it! which is where the "perfect timing" comes into play. husband and a couple of other friends with the same birthday as husband decided to celebrate their birthdays this coming weekend. enter the alcohol and shenanigans! usually, i wouldn't think twice about having a drink or two to enjoy the festivities, but not the case this year! see where i'm going with this?

because of lent, i have the perfect excuse not to drink! and because i'm the WORST liar in the world, lent has given me the best additional excuse as to why i'm not taking the shot with everyone else and screaming like a college kid. i won't have to really lie and be conscious if my eye is twitching or i'm overly smiling! well played Jesus, well played.

oh as for a glimpse to our other big event happening soon...

new year, new hope

happy 2013... or will it be?

it's a new year and i'm hoping, praying, wishing, begging for/to God for a better and more promising year.  aren't we all though?

husband and i rang in the new year with our friends, t & w, in atlantic city. it wasn't crazy, it wasn't too quiet. it was just right and what i needed.

on the casino floor at revel

the holidays had been really rough, as only one can imagine it would be for someone that's gone through what i went through last year. i tried my best to tough it out and try to get into the holiday spirit, but i just couldn't get into it. i couldn't even bring myself to put up any decorations. it didn't help that others around me were worried about the most menial little things too.

people kept worrying about what to get each other for gifts, what they were going to cook for christmas dinner, who they were going to invite, etc. they worried about all the usual stuff i suppose most people worry about during the holidays. and then there was me...

and the only thing that i could think about or worry about every single second of every day was my ability or lack thereof to conceive a child of our own. it really put the holidays and what they're really supposed to be about into perspective for me. i only wish others had gotten the opportunity to remember and realize what i did.

but i digress...

here's to hoping 2013 will bring more happiness and less sadness to all.... especially us. cheers to a new year!