though we had the new house to decorate and distract us, the thought of having our own children never left our minds. how could it? we had bought this big beautiful home just for them. we picked the house with the big backyard and the one that had a slope just enough so the kids could sled down it during the snowy winters. just beyond the backyard was also the back neighborhood's playground just a short walk away. our new neighborhood was an entire cul de sac so perfect that our kids would be able to play in the street like we used to as kids and not have to worry about a bunch of cars almost running them over. we picked the perfect neighborhood to raise our family. only, we had none.
i tried to keep myself busy like everyone else kept telling me. i tried to decorate the house, room by room, little by little. but i kept passing the upstairs rooms that just stood there completely empty of life 'cept for a few moving boxes. the rooms in the floor plan that we customized to have enough room and privacy for when our children were older and into their teenage years. the rooms that were far enough yet also close enough to our room for the nights i'd have to get up and feed them those first few months of their lives. the rooms that just made me sad all the time 'cause we had no idea if we could ever fill them.
we had gotten through the summer and our house warmings just fine for the most part. it was tough taking our family and friends through the house tour when it came to seeing the rooms upstairs. "so this will be the baby's room right?" "you need to get started on filling these rooms already!" and it went on and on in different heartbreaking variations. i excused myself from time to time to gain my composure back and re-practice my "happy" face. i wanted to just break down and tell everyone how hard it had been. i wanted to scream at everyone that we HAVE been trying but we just couldn't get it right. i wanted to cry and tell everyone that it just may never happen. but i didn't. i couldn't.
but i think our parents knew how much harder it was than they had thought. it was either that parents' intuition thing or they must have just felt the sorrow in our voices and the hurt in our eyes. both mine and mark's parents had brought things up here and there and we would talk to them about where we stood with the fertility treatments. we explained the Shared Risk Program as best we could. again, i began to see that my hurt wasn't solitary. i began to see the sorrow in both sets of parents' eyes. they wanted us to have children of our own just as much as we did.
as the fall came rolling in, my heart became heavier and it just seemed like it was never going to happen. mark saw it. mark felt it with me. we sat in our beautiful new home night after night listening to just the wind outside pass through because, 'cept for our own voices and the television from time to time, there were no other sounds filling our home.
it wasn't until the leaves started falling that we would get our saving grace - in human form.
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