the bubble gives us a scare

this is a pretty graphic entry, so if you're squeamish about blood and/or female happenings, i suggest you not continue reading. 

i've debated over and over about whether to publish this entry to the public or not. i finally decided that if i was going to tell y'all our story, it's only fair to tell you ALL of the good, the bad, and the ugly.

yesterday was one of the hardest days thus far through this whole journey.

i woke up around 8:30 am with cramps and felt that my underwear had gotten soaked. groggy and disoriented, i got up to go to the restroom to check things out and saw that i soaked my underwear in blood, bright red fresh blood. i screamed for mark to wake up and come to the bathroom; i screamed loud.

crying my eyes out, i tried and tried to wipe myself of all the blood but it just kept coming out. i finally got a little control of it enough to change my clothes and pick up the phone. i immediately called shady grove fertility and our nurse told us to come in right away - our scheduled ultrasound wasn't till an hour or so later. we got dressed and headed straight for the clinic. it became the longest 10 minute drive ever.

we got to the clinic after what seemed like forever, signed in and waited in a full waiting room. still very teary-eyed, mark and i sat down and waited... and waited. by the time they finally called us, it was the time of our original appointment. i couldn't understand it - why would they tell us to go ahead and come in, but not see us right away? i was so frustrated and so scared - i cried some more. i didn't even care a single bit that all these other patients were trying to discretely look at me. our little bubble was in danger - nothing else around me mattered. nothing.

finally, the nurse called us in. as we walked by the nurses station, she stopped to tell the other nurse to "go ahead and get dr. o'brien now." i was glad to know they went to get her specifically for our appointment. usually, they assigned a monitoring physician per day to oversee all ultrasound appointments. so, a lot of the time, the physician at your ultrasound appointment isn't your primary physician.

i sat on the exam table waiting, clutching mark's hand while we waited for dr. o'brien and the ultrasound tech to arrive. i felt another painful cramp and began to cry yet again. when they finally came in and dr. o'brien asked, "how are you?" i lost it. i cried. i cried hard. she told me to lay back and try to relax so we could get started with the examination.

within seconds, our little bubble appeared on the screen. there she was... (we're thinking it's a girl)... her tiny little heart beating so strongly at 157 bpm. her tiny little body clinging on for dear life. all i could do was stare with tears in my eyes as i clutched mark's hand tighter. i was so overwhelmed that dr. o'brien had to remind me to breathe. but she assured me that the bubble was doing just fine - she was measuring well for 8 weeks and her heartbeat was strong. she couldn't see where the bleeding was coming from and why it was happening.

bubble at 8 wks

i asked her so many questions... is the bleeding hurting the baby? "no." what is the cramping? "your body shedding the blood." etc. etc. etc. there were several different things that may be causing the bleeding she said - the placenta popping a blood vessel when it was attaching to the uterus, just some of the lining shedding, and other things. i couldn't remember it all. all the rang through my head was "the baby is fine. the baby is fine."

after a lot more tears and both her and mark trying their best to console me, dr. o'brien told us to schedule another ultrasound for friday, for me to be on bedrest, hugged me and left. i cried again a little more as i got dressed just worried out of my mind. yes, dr. o'brien said the bubble was fine, but why am i being put on bedrest if she's fine?

as we left the exam room to make our appointment, i some how realized that in my rush to get out of the house and to the clinic as fast as we could, i had forgotten to put my cross necklace on. it wasn't like me to forget something like that - i always wore it. even if i left the house to just go down the street, i put it on. i wore it everyday since my parents gave it to me right after mark and i got engaged. how could i have forgotten it this time? i would get my answer later.

as we walked to the pharmacy downstairs to pick up my medication, it came to me. God's trying to tell me something. i took this as God telling me to take better care of myself and our little one, to slow down, and to take things as they come - day by day.

i'm a planner - it's what i do for a living now. so naturally, the second that the first blood test was positive, i made plans. we decided on God-parents, began making travel plans to Houston, called the church for baptism plans, etc. etc. i planned like crazy and stressed over the timing and logistics of everything. i did probably everything a soon-to-be first time mom isn't supposed to be worrying about till later.

so, i took this scare as God telling me to slow down and just take things day by day. well God, i'm listening. i'm lying here in bed trying my best to take it easy and trying my best to take care of myself and our little one. please God, take care of us too. 

As for me, I look to the LORD for help.
I wait confidently for God to save me,
and my God will certainly hear me. (Micah 7:7 NLT)