the process, the gory details and all that stuff - part 4 + the flu and 3 years

while we waited to be approved and for all the results to come in, i got the crappiest case of the flu just before we were to spend our 3-year wedding anniversary in las vegas, nv. it was so horrible that it turned out it was a strain that wasn't even covered in any of the flu vaccines that were available at the time.  it hit me like a ton of bricks and i was down for over a week, even with meds! i barely recovered just in time for our trip. the night before we were to fly out, as we were finishing up packing, i felt horrible and achy all over again. it had already been 2 weeks after recovering from the flu and i started feeling the aches and pains again! i was praying that i'd be able to sleep it off and then i'd be okay in the morning to take our flight. i was half right.

with still a little bit of aches and pains and a lot of tylenol, we boarded our flight and were off to celebrate our anniversary. we arrived at our time-share and all i wanted to do was pass out and take a really long nap after getting something to eat. that's how our whole trip seemed to be. eat breakfast, lunch or dinner and in between, i'd take a nap and rest while my poor husband sat in our room bored out of his mind. i felt so bad that i ruined our trip. but i just didn't have the strength or energy to walk around and do anything. he assured me that it was okay and that my health was more important, but i couldn't help feeling bad that i couldn't share the fun with him. he went down to the casino and gambled here and there, but he said it wasn't much fun without me.

on a couple of the nights though, we got to see a couple of Cirque du Soleil shows. the first one we saw was Mystere. as with all the cirque shows we've seen, it was beautiful. it wasn't as spectacular as some of the other ones we've seen. but i enjoyed myself despite my sickly state.

on the night of our actual anniversary (november, 21, 2013) we had a spectacular dinner at L'Atelier Joel Robuchon. it was a foie gras lover's heaven.

 

after dinner, we saw another cirque show called KA. unlike all the other shows we've seen, KA had more of a distinct storyline and was more theatrical. while i loved the beauty of it all, i wasn't as impressed as i was with previous cirque shows. i guess i was expecting there to be all different kinds of acts like how the other cirque shows were that we had seen. but don't let my opinion stray you from ever seeing the show. it was definitely spectacular in it's own right. 

the rest of the night and the weekend, we just gambled a little and walked around as i was finally feeling well enough. the weather was kind of terrible, rained the whole time, so it wasn't as easy to walk up and down the strip like we wanted and had planned to. all in all, it was a much tamer version of our past trips to vegas, but it was nice and intimate just the way i liked it. 

when we returned from our anniversary trip, we met with dr. o'brien to start the prep of my uterus for implantation. first, she explained to us the process of choosing the right embryos. from the natera report, dr. o'brien and her staff could select the best embryos to implant. the report detailed all sorts of information chromosome by chromosome - each embryo was graded, abnormalities were identified if any, and even gender was determined! but that's a story i'll save for later.

with much thought and consideration, dr. o'brien recommended transferring 2 embryos. at the end of our last cycle, she mentioned possibly transferring 3 on our next cycle to have better odds. but upon reevaluation and all the genetic testing we did, the decision changed to 2. thank God! i was so scared of possibly having triplets! not that i wouldn't have been just as ecstatic, just that i would have been more cautious and scared.

so this time around, i didn't have to do shots to prepare my uterine lining. thank God! i had such a bad reaction to the prep shots the last few times, that dr. o'brien ruled them out. this time around i had to do inserts. no pain. just a lot of yucky vaginal discharge so i had to wear a pad all the time - kind of really uncomfortable. but at this point, we had the 'by any means necessary' mentality.

so i took the inserts and prepared for transfer day - December 18, 2013. the day that would change our lives in the best way possible.

the process, the gory details and all that stuff - part 3

as the leaves of our first fall in the new house fell, my depression, that i had battled for so many years to overcome, had started weaseling it's way back into my heart. i had fought so hard and went through so much therapy and taken so much medication to overcome it. it took me 20+ something years to get it out of my life and i thought it was gone for good, yet here it was again, creeping it's horrible self back into my life. this time, it was beginning to effect mark's life too.

i felt i was losing myself again. i felt like this was it. i felt like i failed my husband and our families.

you know how most people feel like there was always that one thing they were born to do? like, my mother, she always said she was born to be a doctor and she became one. like my sister, who always knew that she'd have a career that would showcase her creative side and who always knew that one day, she'd have children of her own and be the great mother she is today - she did both of those things. well, for me, i always felt like i was born to be a mother. not just any kind of mother to any kind of child - a mother to my own children, born from my womb, with my DNA and blood running through their veins. i was never motivated in school to become something really great. i had changed my mind about my career several times over. but i never wavered from the idea of becoming a mother. of all the types of careers i delved into, i always made sure that it was something that wouldn't prevent me from becoming the type of mother i always wanted to be.

but now, here i am. in a career with the freedom to be the exact type of mother i have always dreamed to be, but with no children of our own to make it happen. thus, i felt like i had failed.

but, my hero, my love, my wonderful husband, mark, wasn't about to let that happen. with all his heart and devotion, he set out to make things happen for us. i would love to give the details of how he started the ball rolling to make our little miracles happen, but that's one thing i will have to keep just between our little family. let's just say, there really are angels on earth and we are so very blessed to have them as such a big part of our lives. God finally answered our prayers and it was time to start the IVF process again through the Shared Risk Program at Shady Grove Fertility.

it wasn't going to be as simple as we originally thought. we would have to wait to get approved for the program and take a different approach than what we had done in the previous treatments. dr. o'brien wanted to make sure that this time around, we covered all our bases prior to transfer. this meant testing all our remaining embryos (about 27) for any and all genetic abnormalities. it would take a while longer because they would have to extract DNA samples from each embryo, send it to the genetic testing lab, Natera, wait for them to thoroughly test each embryo's DNA sample, compile their findings into a detailed report, send them back to Shady Grove and then have dr. o'brien discuss the findings with us. that took a little longer than we had expected.

the process, the gory details and all that stuff - part 2

though we had the new house to decorate and distract us, the thought of having our own children never left our minds. how could it? we had bought this big beautiful home just for them. we picked the house with the big backyard and the one that had a slope just enough so the kids could sled down it during the snowy winters. just beyond the backyard was also the back neighborhood's playground just a short walk away. our new neighborhood was an entire cul de sac so perfect that our kids would be able to play in the street like we used to as kids and not have to worry about a bunch of cars almost running them over. we picked the perfect neighborhood to raise our family. only, we had none.

i tried to keep myself busy like everyone else kept telling me. i tried to decorate the house, room by room, little by little. but i kept passing the upstairs rooms that just stood there completely empty of life 'cept for a few moving boxes. the rooms in the floor plan that we customized to have enough room and privacy for when our children were older and into their teenage years. the rooms that were far enough yet also close enough to our room for the nights i'd have to get up and feed them those first few months of their lives. the rooms that just made me sad all the time 'cause we had no idea if we could ever fill them.

we had gotten through the summer and our house warmings just fine for the most part. it was tough taking our family and friends through the house tour when it came to seeing the rooms upstairs. "so this will be the baby's room right?" "you need to get started on filling these rooms already!" and it went on and on in different heartbreaking variations. i excused myself from time to time to gain my composure back and re-practice my "happy" face. i wanted to just break down and tell everyone how hard it had been. i wanted to scream at everyone that we HAVE been trying but we just couldn't get it right. i wanted to cry and tell everyone that it just may never happen. but i didn't. i couldn't.

but i think our parents knew how much harder it was than they had thought. it was either that parents' intuition thing or they must have just felt the sorrow in our voices and the hurt in our eyes. both mine and mark's parents had brought things up here and there and we would talk to them about where we stood with the fertility treatments. we explained the Shared Risk Program as best we could. again, i began to see that my hurt wasn't solitary. i began to see the sorrow in both sets of parents' eyes. they wanted us to have children of our own just as much as we did.

as the fall came rolling in, my heart became heavier and it just seemed like it was never going to happen. mark saw it. mark felt it with me. we sat in our beautiful new home night after night listening to just the wind outside pass through because, 'cept for our own voices and the television from time to time, there were no other sounds filling our home.

it wasn't until the leaves started falling that we would get our saving grace - in human form.

the process, the gory details and all that stuff - part I

upon finding out we are finally pregnant, several people asked us about how we got to this point. several people didn't know we conceived through IVF and even more people didn't even know we were having such difficulty getting pregnant. so, we started telling our story to those that were interested and then i realized, i should also be explaining things over here too.

last we left you, our insurance benefits for fertility treatments had run out. if we wanted to try another IVF treatment or any fertility treatment, it would all be out of pocket less the medication. after calculating, it roughly came to around $20,000 to do just one prep and transfer - JUST ONE! if it were to fail again, we'd be out $20,000+ and with still no baby! unfortunately, with us just closing and moving into the new house, that was totally out of reach for us. but there was another option that we had yet to know about until we consulted with our fertility doctor.

our clinic calls it the Shared Risk Program. the program is fairly simple. you apply to get in and assuming you are eligible, you get approved and pay the one time fee. this one time fee allows for you and your partner to have an unlimited amount of cycles until you either run out of embryos, you can't take the heartache anymore, or the doctors conclude that it's just not going to happen this way. should any of those scenarios be the case, you are refunded your money, less the cost of medicine and office visits.

it sounded like it was just what we needed. unfortunately, we still didn't have the funds to make it happen. it would still still cost about the same around $20,000+. a lot of money that we still didn't have. so, we decided, we'd take a break till we could figure out what to do and how to either get the money or somehow deal with possibility that we may never have children of our own.

a long break and a lot of prayers ensued.

mini update

sonogram went well and we got to find out which baby is the boy and which one is the girl. i predicted that baby A was the girl and baby B was the boy and mark thought the reverse. mark won.

 

Baby A: Mr. Lincoln Jude Yuen

 

Baby B: Miss Reagan Elizabeth Yuen

and yeah... it's carpal tunnel. but it should go away after the twins are born. also, i don't have to keep taking my metformin!