a little over a month... part 1

a lengthy entry!

it's been a little over a month since we lost our little one and a lot has happened.

as you can only imagine, every day has been an unending roller coaster of emotions. the bad days have been bad and the good days have been a blessing. fortunately, the good days are finally starting to outweigh the bad days.

on the day we found out the bad news, mark and i had plans to see a Cirque Du Soleil show. because of the news, i was on the fence about going. but we had planned for it for so many months that i finally got the strength to get out of bed and go. i'm glad i did. the show was awesome. if you haven't seen it yet, i suggest you go. it was the Michael Jackson, THE IMMORTAL World Tour.

so what else has happened? after a lot of bad days, i had one day of hope and wanted to try again. but, because of how far the pregnancy had gotten, it would be a while to "flush" the pregnancy hormones out of my system to prep for a new pregnancy. to this day, it's still not completely "flushed" out. so, with that news from the doctor, mark and i decided we (mostly me of course) needed a getaway, some time away to recharge. so we decided to take an early birthday (for me) and early anniversary (for us) trip before we started again with the treatments for the next pregnancy. enter Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines.

at first we wanted to just go to one place and relax on a beach somewhere, but that wasn't friendly to our wallets seeing as we were about to go into another IVF cycle. so after some thought, we decided to go on a cruise instead. we decided to go to the Eastern Caribbean - Nassau, Bahamas, St. Thomas, and St. Maarten. best idea ever.

it was exactly what i needed. some photos for your viewing pleasure.

husband testing his new snorkel gear at the hotel pool

me testing my new snorkel gear at the hotel pool

husband next to a giant bottle of johnny walker black label

bon voyage champagne toast!

aqua theater on our cruise ship

in "central park" on our ship

atlantis resort - our excursion for nassau, bahamas

husband in the beautiful water at the beach at atlantis

me in the beautiful water at the beach at atlantis

husband underwater at atlantis

me underwater at atlantis

can you see the tiny fish?

view from our jetski

another view from the jetski

more fish!

us underwater!

shark! in one of the ponds around atlantis

us grabbing lunch at one of the atlantis restaurants

very strong pina colada

our rings keeping my pina colada company

conch ceviche... it was just okay.

us in front of most of our ship

our little towel friend

at the rising tide bar on our ship. it was a bar that rose up and down in the middle of the ship!

our massive ship

husband in the clear waters of st. john - our excursion trip for st. thomas port

me! such beautiful waters

here fishy fishy!

some little island close to where we were

us!

creepy little stingray that kept circling around us!

so beautiful

tiny little fish

more fishies!

enjoying our rum punch on the way back to the ship

one of the MANY iguanas sunbathing on the rocks at the dock near our ship

hello!

mmm carib beer... reminded us of our honeymoon!

awesome marble map in the ground at the st. maarten shopping port

another night at the rising tide bar

 

finally a pic in one of the pools on the ship

and now we're back... more later.

one week

one week. she/he has been gone for one week.

i haven't been crying as much - that's good right? it doesn't seem like it. when i do cry, it still feels horrible, still fresh. will that ever go away?

i still haven't mustered up the courage to talk to anyone else outside of my family and mark. i'm scared that if and when i do, something they say or do might set me off into crying mode again. i'm scared they'll ask questions that i, myself, don't have answers to. i'm scared people will look at me differently, those that know. i'm scared i'll make them feel uncomfortable and not want to be around me altogether. i don't want people's sympathy. i don't want anything from anyone really. i just need time.

when the doctor discharged me after the d & c, they handed mark a stack of papers and pamphlets for me to read while i was supposed to be lying in bed recovering.

i opened one just this morning but, after reading just the first couple of lines, i closed it and set it back on my nightstand. it just made it all too real. i mean, i know what's happened - i'm not delusional. i just don't think i'm ready to start "healing" yet. i'm still grieving. that's okay right?

i'm sure i'd find some answers to some of my questions in one of those things. but, and maybe it's just me, i don't think some pamphlet or article is really going to help me cope with all this. will it? has it really helped anyone? every case is different - how can they write a pamphlet to generalize everyone's situations?

more another day. today is just as hard as last friday was. my heart hurts.

brokenhearted

whomever said "time heals all wounds"  probably just had a measly little papercut.

it's been about 5 days, and i'm still clutching my chest trying to catch my breath. other than my family and my ever-so supportive husband, mark, i haven't been able to talk to anyone. i haven't even had the strength to get out of bed for more than 10-20 minutes. is that normal?

i don't even know what's normal these days. my routine is to get up, eat a little breakfast, stare at the tv and then cry myself back to sleep for another couple of hours till it's time to eat lunch. then, i eat a little lunch, stare at the tv and then cry myself back to sleep for yet another couple of hours till it's just about time to eat dinner. at this point, i get up, eat a little dinner, stare at the tv and then eventually, again, cry myself to sleep till morning. lather, rinse, repeat.

sometimes, somewhere in between, something sets me off and i just cry uncontrollably until, somehow, mark can calm me down. it's a seemingly endless cycle. i didn't even know it was possible for one person to cry that much!

but is any of that normal? what is a normal grieving period and method when it comes to miscarriage? is there a norm? people keep telling me to do something to keep myself busy and keep my mind off things or to do something to not dwell on this too much. it honestly makes me kind of mad and confused. should i not be grieving for my unborn child because she/he was in fact, unborn? is that why people think this should be somewhat easy to "get over"? to me, unborn or not, she/he was still my first child. wouldn't you grieve just as long or even longer for your child? isn't that a parent's given right?

i know people are just trying to help me. i know most people have no idea what to say when something like this happens. but i just want people to let me grieve on my own timetable. i want people to somehow understand that i'm just not as strong emotionally as they may be. i want people to understand that i loved her/him. i want people to understand that my heart is broken.

*  *  *

i had to go into the clinic today for an emergency ultrasound because i started to bleed heavily all of a sudden last night. dr. o'brien checked things out and it turns out that there is still a big clot in my uterus and it seems my uterus isn't compressing back to "normal" as it should be doing- not good. so she prescribed me some medication to help things get back on track. hopefully this will help to get things moving and help me heal faster... physically at least. if the medication doesn't do the job, then there's a high possibility they will have to do another d & c. all i can do is pray now.

God, if you can hear me, help. 

why?

how and where do i begin?

i've tried a million times to write this entry. each time, deleting pages and pages worth of feelings full of sadness, anger, and pure frustration. but each time, not really saying enough.

everyone and anyone that knows keeps telling me "you'll be okay" or "you can try again soon" and just various other things. though they may be true and right, right now, it just doesn't seem to help. but what do i expect them to say right? what can they really say that will comfort me and erase this aching in my heart and this emptiness i feel inside?

i want them to tell me what happened. i want someone to tell me why my little innocent baby's heart stopped beating so soon. i want someone to tell me what i didn't do to make this happen. i want someone to tell me what i did to make this happen. i want someone to tell me why, after all that we've already gone through to conceive our little one, we have to go through even more heartache. i just want to know why. why God why?