strike 3, we're out

yeah, again. it happened again.

i wish i could say it hurt less, but it didn't. i wish i could say that somehow i expected it to happen, but i honestly didn't. i wish i could say that it didn't phase me, but it totally did. but mostly, i wish i could say that our little ones are still growing and their little hearts are still beating, but they're not. yes, there were 2 little angels. God has them now, with our other 3 angels. 5 angels total.

i wish i could be more optimistic to try again, but i'm not. the fact is, our insurance won't cover anymore cycles. we've maxed out our benefits for this. so, if we want to try again, everything would be out of pocket. out of empty pockets because, well, we just closed on our new house. our new house that we started building last summer in anticipation of our first little angel. the little angel that's now sleeping in God's arms with her 4 other brothers and sisters. insert waterfall of tears here.

i wish we could afford to try again. i wish we could find a way to afford to try again. i wish i didn't have PCOS. i wish i could just miraculously be able to conceive naturally so we wouldn't have to worry about being able to afford trying again through IVF. i wish God would just give us another chance.

* * * * *

this blog was supposed to be about our little miracles. it was supposed to be about our journey to build our family from a party of 2 to a party of more. it was supposed to be a happy little blog that inspired others to keep trying for their little miracles too. but we have yet to have any little miracles.

so, for now, this blog will be on hiatus. i personally need to heal, emotionally and physically. and well, i'm sure y'all are sick of reading about our heartache. i'm sure tired of writing about it.

so, farewell for now. i hope one day i'll be back with much better news and happier entries. till then, take care and may God bless you all.

another one

another miscarriage. happened on friday, october 19, 2012.

how much more heartache can a person take?

dear God how much more pain will you put us through?

one week

one week. she/he has been gone for one week.

i haven't been crying as much - that's good right? it doesn't seem like it. when i do cry, it still feels horrible, still fresh. will that ever go away?

i still haven't mustered up the courage to talk to anyone else outside of my family and mark. i'm scared that if and when i do, something they say or do might set me off into crying mode again. i'm scared they'll ask questions that i, myself, don't have answers to. i'm scared people will look at me differently, those that know. i'm scared i'll make them feel uncomfortable and not want to be around me altogether. i don't want people's sympathy. i don't want anything from anyone really. i just need time.

when the doctor discharged me after the d & c, they handed mark a stack of papers and pamphlets for me to read while i was supposed to be lying in bed recovering.

i opened one just this morning but, after reading just the first couple of lines, i closed it and set it back on my nightstand. it just made it all too real. i mean, i know what's happened - i'm not delusional. i just don't think i'm ready to start "healing" yet. i'm still grieving. that's okay right?

i'm sure i'd find some answers to some of my questions in one of those things. but, and maybe it's just me, i don't think some pamphlet or article is really going to help me cope with all this. will it? has it really helped anyone? every case is different - how can they write a pamphlet to generalize everyone's situations?

more another day. today is just as hard as last friday was. my heart hurts.

brokenhearted

whomever said "time heals all wounds"  probably just had a measly little papercut.

it's been about 5 days, and i'm still clutching my chest trying to catch my breath. other than my family and my ever-so supportive husband, mark, i haven't been able to talk to anyone. i haven't even had the strength to get out of bed for more than 10-20 minutes. is that normal?

i don't even know what's normal these days. my routine is to get up, eat a little breakfast, stare at the tv and then cry myself back to sleep for another couple of hours till it's time to eat lunch. then, i eat a little lunch, stare at the tv and then cry myself back to sleep for yet another couple of hours till it's just about time to eat dinner. at this point, i get up, eat a little dinner, stare at the tv and then eventually, again, cry myself to sleep till morning. lather, rinse, repeat.

sometimes, somewhere in between, something sets me off and i just cry uncontrollably until, somehow, mark can calm me down. it's a seemingly endless cycle. i didn't even know it was possible for one person to cry that much!

but is any of that normal? what is a normal grieving period and method when it comes to miscarriage? is there a norm? people keep telling me to do something to keep myself busy and keep my mind off things or to do something to not dwell on this too much. it honestly makes me kind of mad and confused. should i not be grieving for my unborn child because she/he was in fact, unborn? is that why people think this should be somewhat easy to "get over"? to me, unborn or not, she/he was still my first child. wouldn't you grieve just as long or even longer for your child? isn't that a parent's given right?

i know people are just trying to help me. i know most people have no idea what to say when something like this happens. but i just want people to let me grieve on my own timetable. i want people to somehow understand that i'm just not as strong emotionally as they may be. i want people to understand that i loved her/him. i want people to understand that my heart is broken.

*  *  *

i had to go into the clinic today for an emergency ultrasound because i started to bleed heavily all of a sudden last night. dr. o'brien checked things out and it turns out that there is still a big clot in my uterus and it seems my uterus isn't compressing back to "normal" as it should be doing- not good. so she prescribed me some medication to help things get back on track. hopefully this will help to get things moving and help me heal faster... physically at least. if the medication doesn't do the job, then there's a high possibility they will have to do another d & c. all i can do is pray now.

God, if you can hear me, help.