new year, new hope

happy 2013... or will it be?

it's a new year and i'm hoping, praying, wishing, begging for/to God for a better and more promising year.  aren't we all though?

husband and i rang in the new year with our friends, t & w, in atlantic city. it wasn't crazy, it wasn't too quiet. it was just right and what i needed.

on the casino floor at revel

the holidays had been really rough, as only one can imagine it would be for someone that's gone through what i went through last year. i tried my best to tough it out and try to get into the holiday spirit, but i just couldn't get into it. i couldn't even bring myself to put up any decorations. it didn't help that others around me were worried about the most menial little things too.

people kept worrying about what to get each other for gifts, what they were going to cook for christmas dinner, who they were going to invite, etc. they worried about all the usual stuff i suppose most people worry about during the holidays. and then there was me...

and the only thing that i could think about or worry about every single second of every day was my ability or lack thereof to conceive a child of our own. it really put the holidays and what they're really supposed to be about into perspective for me. i only wish others had gotten the opportunity to remember and realize what i did.

but i digress...

here's to hoping 2013 will bring more happiness and less sadness to all.... especially us. cheers to a new year!

another one

another miscarriage. happened on friday, october 19, 2012.

how much more heartache can a person take?

dear God how much more pain will you put us through?

quick post

just a super quick post to mark this day... day 7 of the 2 week wait...

today is 10-11-12...
just cause i've been impatient, i took a pee test and...

2 PINK LINES!

 blood test is next week to confirm though! stay tuned!

round 2

here we are again. starting over. it's bittersweet.

this time, we're doing what is called a Frozen Embryo Transfer:

• Frozen embryos is a term used to refer to those embryos that are not transferred during in vitro fertilization cycles and are subsequently cryopreserved. A frozen embryo transfer can be used to produce a viable pregnancy by first thawing the frozen embryo, and transferring it into an appropriately prepared uterus. Other names for this process such as embryo freezing or embryo cryopreservation have been commonly used. The treatment to establish a pregnancy using frozen embryos has been called a thaw cycle or a frozen embryo transfer cycle or simply an FET cycle.
  Pretesting for a frozen embryo transfer
  
  In order to maximize the chances for success using frozen embryos, a woman should have a normal uterine cavity. There are three tests that can be used to assess the uterine cavity:
  

  • Hysterosonogram – In which saline is injected into the uterus and the cavity is viewed with ultrasound
  • HSG in which x-ray dye is injected into the uterus and the cavity is viewed with x-rays.
  • Hysteroscopy – In which a fiberoptic telescope is introduced into the uterus and the cavity is viewed directly.

  If abnormalities of the uterine cavity are discovered, they should be corrected surgically before proceeding with a frozen embryo transfer. 

just before we started with the new cycle, i had to get a hysteroscopy cause the doctor found something in my uterus from the last ultrasound. thank God it turned out just to be some extra tissue from the lining that didn't discharge from the miscarriage. so they put me under once again and took it out.

we started with the prep medication the other day - Delestrogen. a pretty painful, on my end, type of prep med. 

• Delestrogen (estradiol valerate)
  Delestrogen is an injectable form of estrogen that is occasionally used for fertility treatments. It is oil based and must be injected intramuscularly. The injection is usually not given every day.

intramuscularly. as in, in the muscle. as in, in my butt. hello sore butt every 3 days. sacrifices right!? anything for the babies, anything. and with that, i also have to take progesterone supplements (Endometrin) to prep for the transfer. the progesterone, also an unpleasant ordeal. they're done vaginally - gross huh!? at least i don't have to do the much more painful progesterone in oil shots this time around. here's some info for y'all:

• Endometrin is a vaginal insert containing progesterone 100mg. Progesterone is a female hormone important for ovulation and menstruation. Progesterone causes changes in the lining of your uterus, making it easier for a fertilized egg to attach to the uterus at the beginning of pregnancy. Endometrin helps your body maintain the pregnancy. It is used in fertility treatment as part of Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) for women unable to get pregnant due to a lack of natural progesterone in the body.
  
  
• Progesterone is a hormone that helps to prepare the lining of the uterus for implantation of the fertilized egg. Supplemental progesterone is sometimes prescribed to ensure that the uterine lining is adequately prepared. Previous warnings concerning progesterone use in pregnancy apply to synthetic progesterone preparations. Progesterone that is prescribed during pregnancy is a natural preparation.  

• Progesterone injection is administered as an intramuscular injection. Progesterone is used in the luteal phase of the cycle when the body's own natural progesterone may be insufficient. Once a fertilized egg is implanted, progesterone helps maintain the pregnancy by thickening the endometrium and increasing its blood supply.

so, this thursday, october 4th, will be the Frozen Embryo Transfer. i won't say much more till later about it cause i don't want to jinx anything. but whoever is reading this out there, please pray for us that all goes well. and if you see me around rubbing my rear end, you now know why! ;)

a little over a month... part 2

where was i...

oh yeah... relaxing on a beach in the middle of the caribbean. it was heaven. i didn't want to come home. i didn't want to face the complications and heartache of reality again. but i also missed the comforts of my own bed and our home. it was truly a bittersweet homecoming.

2 days after we got back, we were back at Shady Grove Fertility again to meet with dr. o'brien to discuss our next plans of action. it was rough going back into that office, on that floor, so close to that surgical room where it all happened. i wanted to break down and just cry right there. i wanted to turn around and run back into the elevator and head home. and the worst, i wanted to scream at everyone in there to bring my little angel back to me. it was a rough time to say the very least.

but somehow, i found the strength and courage to stay. we discussed our plans to move along with another IVF cycle, what the risks would be, how long it would take, etc. etc. etc. the whole time, i thought it was just me going through this heartache and that i was the only one really feeling the hurt and disappointment, but i was wrong. sitting there in dr. o'brien's office with mark and her, i could see that they both felt sympathy for this loss too. i could hear the hurt in her voice when she talked about it, and i could feel the pain in mark's touch as he held my hand. i really wasn't as alone as i had been feeling. everyone else really was genuinely concerned for me.

after about an hour or so discussing what we were going to do, we were moved to a conference room to get our schedule and paperwork from the nurses. more tests and bloodwork were in our immediate future - totally worth every single drop of blood taken to help our family of two grow. as much as i complained about every shot, every needle, every vial of blood, and daily appointments, i always knew i would do anything to have our own children. anything.


so here we are again, back to the beginning. or shall i say.... round 2. FIGHT!