round 2

here we are again. starting over. it's bittersweet.

this time, we're doing what is called a Frozen Embryo Transfer:

• Frozen embryos is a term used to refer to those embryos that are not transferred during in vitro fertilization cycles and are subsequently cryopreserved. A frozen embryo transfer can be used to produce a viable pregnancy by first thawing the frozen embryo, and transferring it into an appropriately prepared uterus. Other names for this process such as embryo freezing or embryo cryopreservation have been commonly used. The treatment to establish a pregnancy using frozen embryos has been called a thaw cycle or a frozen embryo transfer cycle or simply an FET cycle.
  Pretesting for a frozen embryo transfer
  
  In order to maximize the chances for success using frozen embryos, a woman should have a normal uterine cavity. There are three tests that can be used to assess the uterine cavity:
  

  • Hysterosonogram – In which saline is injected into the uterus and the cavity is viewed with ultrasound
  • HSG in which x-ray dye is injected into the uterus and the cavity is viewed with x-rays.
  • Hysteroscopy – In which a fiberoptic telescope is introduced into the uterus and the cavity is viewed directly.

  If abnormalities of the uterine cavity are discovered, they should be corrected surgically before proceeding with a frozen embryo transfer. 

just before we started with the new cycle, i had to get a hysteroscopy cause the doctor found something in my uterus from the last ultrasound. thank God it turned out just to be some extra tissue from the lining that didn't discharge from the miscarriage. so they put me under once again and took it out.

we started with the prep medication the other day - Delestrogen. a pretty painful, on my end, type of prep med. 

• Delestrogen (estradiol valerate)
  Delestrogen is an injectable form of estrogen that is occasionally used for fertility treatments. It is oil based and must be injected intramuscularly. The injection is usually not given every day.

intramuscularly. as in, in the muscle. as in, in my butt. hello sore butt every 3 days. sacrifices right!? anything for the babies, anything. and with that, i also have to take progesterone supplements (Endometrin) to prep for the transfer. the progesterone, also an unpleasant ordeal. they're done vaginally - gross huh!? at least i don't have to do the much more painful progesterone in oil shots this time around. here's some info for y'all:

• Endometrin is a vaginal insert containing progesterone 100mg. Progesterone is a female hormone important for ovulation and menstruation. Progesterone causes changes in the lining of your uterus, making it easier for a fertilized egg to attach to the uterus at the beginning of pregnancy. Endometrin helps your body maintain the pregnancy. It is used in fertility treatment as part of Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) for women unable to get pregnant due to a lack of natural progesterone in the body.
  
  
• Progesterone is a hormone that helps to prepare the lining of the uterus for implantation of the fertilized egg. Supplemental progesterone is sometimes prescribed to ensure that the uterine lining is adequately prepared. Previous warnings concerning progesterone use in pregnancy apply to synthetic progesterone preparations. Progesterone that is prescribed during pregnancy is a natural preparation.  

• Progesterone injection is administered as an intramuscular injection. Progesterone is used in the luteal phase of the cycle when the body's own natural progesterone may be insufficient. Once a fertilized egg is implanted, progesterone helps maintain the pregnancy by thickening the endometrium and increasing its blood supply.

so, this thursday, october 4th, will be the Frozen Embryo Transfer. i won't say much more till later about it cause i don't want to jinx anything. but whoever is reading this out there, please pray for us that all goes well. and if you see me around rubbing my rear end, you now know why! ;)

a little over a month... part 2

where was i...

oh yeah... relaxing on a beach in the middle of the caribbean. it was heaven. i didn't want to come home. i didn't want to face the complications and heartache of reality again. but i also missed the comforts of my own bed and our home. it was truly a bittersweet homecoming.

2 days after we got back, we were back at Shady Grove Fertility again to meet with dr. o'brien to discuss our next plans of action. it was rough going back into that office, on that floor, so close to that surgical room where it all happened. i wanted to break down and just cry right there. i wanted to turn around and run back into the elevator and head home. and the worst, i wanted to scream at everyone in there to bring my little angel back to me. it was a rough time to say the very least.

but somehow, i found the strength and courage to stay. we discussed our plans to move along with another IVF cycle, what the risks would be, how long it would take, etc. etc. etc. the whole time, i thought it was just me going through this heartache and that i was the only one really feeling the hurt and disappointment, but i was wrong. sitting there in dr. o'brien's office with mark and her, i could see that they both felt sympathy for this loss too. i could hear the hurt in her voice when she talked about it, and i could feel the pain in mark's touch as he held my hand. i really wasn't as alone as i had been feeling. everyone else really was genuinely concerned for me.

after about an hour or so discussing what we were going to do, we were moved to a conference room to get our schedule and paperwork from the nurses. more tests and bloodwork were in our immediate future - totally worth every single drop of blood taken to help our family of two grow. as much as i complained about every shot, every needle, every vial of blood, and daily appointments, i always knew i would do anything to have our own children. anything.


so here we are again, back to the beginning. or shall i say.... round 2. FIGHT!

a little over a month... part 1

a lengthy entry!

it's been a little over a month since we lost our little one and a lot has happened.

as you can only imagine, every day has been an unending roller coaster of emotions. the bad days have been bad and the good days have been a blessing. fortunately, the good days are finally starting to outweigh the bad days.

on the day we found out the bad news, mark and i had plans to see a Cirque Du Soleil show. because of the news, i was on the fence about going. but we had planned for it for so many months that i finally got the strength to get out of bed and go. i'm glad i did. the show was awesome. if you haven't seen it yet, i suggest you go. it was the Michael Jackson, THE IMMORTAL World Tour.

so what else has happened? after a lot of bad days, i had one day of hope and wanted to try again. but, because of how far the pregnancy had gotten, it would be a while to "flush" the pregnancy hormones out of my system to prep for a new pregnancy. to this day, it's still not completely "flushed" out. so, with that news from the doctor, mark and i decided we (mostly me of course) needed a getaway, some time away to recharge. so we decided to take an early birthday (for me) and early anniversary (for us) trip before we started again with the treatments for the next pregnancy. enter Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines.

at first we wanted to just go to one place and relax on a beach somewhere, but that wasn't friendly to our wallets seeing as we were about to go into another IVF cycle. so after some thought, we decided to go on a cruise instead. we decided to go to the Eastern Caribbean - Nassau, Bahamas, St. Thomas, and St. Maarten. best idea ever.

it was exactly what i needed. some photos for your viewing pleasure.

husband testing his new snorkel gear at the hotel pool

me testing my new snorkel gear at the hotel pool

husband next to a giant bottle of johnny walker black label

bon voyage champagne toast!

aqua theater on our cruise ship

in "central park" on our ship

atlantis resort - our excursion for nassau, bahamas

husband in the beautiful water at the beach at atlantis

me in the beautiful water at the beach at atlantis

husband underwater at atlantis

me underwater at atlantis

can you see the tiny fish?

view from our jetski

another view from the jetski

more fish!

us underwater!

shark! in one of the ponds around atlantis

us grabbing lunch at one of the atlantis restaurants

very strong pina colada

our rings keeping my pina colada company

conch ceviche... it was just okay.

us in front of most of our ship

our little towel friend

at the rising tide bar on our ship. it was a bar that rose up and down in the middle of the ship!

our massive ship

husband in the clear waters of st. john - our excursion trip for st. thomas port

me! such beautiful waters

here fishy fishy!

some little island close to where we were

us!

creepy little stingray that kept circling around us!

so beautiful

tiny little fish

more fishies!

enjoying our rum punch on the way back to the ship

one of the MANY iguanas sunbathing on the rocks at the dock near our ship

hello!

mmm carib beer... reminded us of our honeymoon!

awesome marble map in the ground at the st. maarten shopping port

another night at the rising tide bar

 

finally a pic in one of the pools on the ship

and now we're back... more later.

karyotype

today i decided to call the nurse to check if the genetic testing results had come back yet. they did.

the good:

the baby had no found genetic abnormalities. i guess it's better than to find out the baby may have had some retardation or birth defect or something.

the bad:

we still have no idea what went wrong. we still have no clue as to why God wanted our little back so badly. we still have no idea why our little one's life ended before it really even began. i still have this huge WHY? looming in my heart.

follow up appointment with dr. o'brien isn't until august 20th. it's going to be a horribly long 27 days. i'm so sick of all this waiting.

the i don't know how i feel: 

according to the testing, the baby was "normal female karyotype". in other words, the baby was a girl.

• Karyotypes describe the number of chromosomes, and what they look like under a light microscope. Attention is paid to their length, the position of the centromeres, banding pattern, any differences between the sex chromosomes, and any other physical characteristics. The preparation and study of karyotypes is part of cytogenetics.
• Karyotype testing is a test to identify and evaluate the size, shape, and number of chromosomes in a sample of body cells. Extra, missing, or abnormal positions of chromosome pieces can cause problems with a person's growth, development, and body functions.

i guess i was right when i thought it was a girl. i guess a mother really DOES know these kind of things. but i'm not sure if i'm glad to know this information. on one hand, it's nice to know that i knew my body so well and because of that, was able to build such a strong bond with her. but on the other hand, it kind of makes it harder to move on knowing that our little one was a girl, that she was a she and not just an it... that God had already decided what He wanted to bless us with... that God also already knew what He was going to take away. our babygirl.

one week

one week. she/he has been gone for one week.

i haven't been crying as much - that's good right? it doesn't seem like it. when i do cry, it still feels horrible, still fresh. will that ever go away?

i still haven't mustered up the courage to talk to anyone else outside of my family and mark. i'm scared that if and when i do, something they say or do might set me off into crying mode again. i'm scared they'll ask questions that i, myself, don't have answers to. i'm scared people will look at me differently, those that know. i'm scared i'll make them feel uncomfortable and not want to be around me altogether. i don't want people's sympathy. i don't want anything from anyone really. i just need time.

when the doctor discharged me after the d & c, they handed mark a stack of papers and pamphlets for me to read while i was supposed to be lying in bed recovering.

i opened one just this morning but, after reading just the first couple of lines, i closed it and set it back on my nightstand. it just made it all too real. i mean, i know what's happened - i'm not delusional. i just don't think i'm ready to start "healing" yet. i'm still grieving. that's okay right?

i'm sure i'd find some answers to some of my questions in one of those things. but, and maybe it's just me, i don't think some pamphlet or article is really going to help me cope with all this. will it? has it really helped anyone? every case is different - how can they write a pamphlet to generalize everyone's situations?

more another day. today is just as hard as last friday was. my heart hurts.