the process, the gory details and all that stuff - part 2

though we had the new house to decorate and distract us, the thought of having our own children never left our minds. how could it? we had bought this big beautiful home just for them. we picked the house with the big backyard and the one that had a slope just enough so the kids could sled down it during the snowy winters. just beyond the backyard was also the back neighborhood's playground just a short walk away. our new neighborhood was an entire cul de sac so perfect that our kids would be able to play in the street like we used to as kids and not have to worry about a bunch of cars almost running them over. we picked the perfect neighborhood to raise our family. only, we had none.

i tried to keep myself busy like everyone else kept telling me. i tried to decorate the house, room by room, little by little. but i kept passing the upstairs rooms that just stood there completely empty of life 'cept for a few moving boxes. the rooms in the floor plan that we customized to have enough room and privacy for when our children were older and into their teenage years. the rooms that were far enough yet also close enough to our room for the nights i'd have to get up and feed them those first few months of their lives. the rooms that just made me sad all the time 'cause we had no idea if we could ever fill them.

we had gotten through the summer and our house warmings just fine for the most part. it was tough taking our family and friends through the house tour when it came to seeing the rooms upstairs. "so this will be the baby's room right?" "you need to get started on filling these rooms already!" and it went on and on in different heartbreaking variations. i excused myself from time to time to gain my composure back and re-practice my "happy" face. i wanted to just break down and tell everyone how hard it had been. i wanted to scream at everyone that we HAVE been trying but we just couldn't get it right. i wanted to cry and tell everyone that it just may never happen. but i didn't. i couldn't.

but i think our parents knew how much harder it was than they had thought. it was either that parents' intuition thing or they must have just felt the sorrow in our voices and the hurt in our eyes. both mine and mark's parents had brought things up here and there and we would talk to them about where we stood with the fertility treatments. we explained the Shared Risk Program as best we could. again, i began to see that my hurt wasn't solitary. i began to see the sorrow in both sets of parents' eyes. they wanted us to have children of our own just as much as we did.

as the fall came rolling in, my heart became heavier and it just seemed like it was never going to happen. mark saw it. mark felt it with me. we sat in our beautiful new home night after night listening to just the wind outside pass through because, 'cept for our own voices and the television from time to time, there were no other sounds filling our home.

it wasn't until the leaves started falling that we would get our saving grace - in human form.

the process, the gory details and all that stuff - part I

upon finding out we are finally pregnant, several people asked us about how we got to this point. several people didn't know we conceived through IVF and even more people didn't even know we were having such difficulty getting pregnant. so, we started telling our story to those that were interested and then i realized, i should also be explaining things over here too.

last we left you, our insurance benefits for fertility treatments had run out. if we wanted to try another IVF treatment or any fertility treatment, it would all be out of pocket less the medication. after calculating, it roughly came to around $20,000 to do just one prep and transfer - JUST ONE! if it were to fail again, we'd be out $20,000+ and with still no baby! unfortunately, with us just closing and moving into the new house, that was totally out of reach for us. but there was another option that we had yet to know about until we consulted with our fertility doctor.

our clinic calls it the Shared Risk Program. the program is fairly simple. you apply to get in and assuming you are eligible, you get approved and pay the one time fee. this one time fee allows for you and your partner to have an unlimited amount of cycles until you either run out of embryos, you can't take the heartache anymore, or the doctors conclude that it's just not going to happen this way. should any of those scenarios be the case, you are refunded your money, less the cost of medicine and office visits.

it sounded like it was just what we needed. unfortunately, we still didn't have the funds to make it happen. it would still still cost about the same around $20,000+. a lot of money that we still didn't have. so, we decided, we'd take a break till we could figure out what to do and how to either get the money or somehow deal with possibility that we may never have children of our own.

a long break and a lot of prayers ensued.

mini update

sonogram went well and we got to find out which baby is the boy and which one is the girl. i predicted that baby A was the girl and baby B was the boy and mark thought the reverse. mark won.

 

Baby A: Mr. Lincoln Jude Yuen

 

Baby B: Miss Reagan Elizabeth Yuen

and yeah... it's carpal tunnel. but it should go away after the twins are born. also, i don't have to keep taking my metformin!

16 weeks, ugly socks and a wedding

it was a scary week. we went to the OBGYN for an emergency sonogram because my stomach pains weren't going away no matter what i did. i called the doctor to schedule the appointment to make sure everything was okay. turns out that i just pulled a muscle pretty bad when i slipped. tylenol, rest and slip-proof socks is what the doctor ordered. fyi, slip-proof socks for kiddos are adorable. slip-proof socks for adults are not.

this saturday, March 22, 2014, we attended our first wedding sporting my babies bump! i hadn't really realized how many of our friends are either pregnant now, on their second or third pregnancy, are trying to get pregnant or have all the kids they want. it was nice to see all the new families and families-to-be around us. the food was a typical chinese banquet style with about 10 courses that consisted of mostly seafood. it was so hard to limit myself with all that delicious food in front of me. i love seafood so much, but during pregnancy you're supposed to eat it in moderation - some docotrs say no more than 12 ounces a week! such torture!

we stayed until about 11pm-ish and i was exhausted. this morning, mark and i laughed about how we couldn't even make it to midnight! not too long ago, we would have stayed till the lights were turning on and the DJ was packing up. we would have been congregating with those that were left standing and wondering where the after party was to drink and party until our bodies just couldn't take it anymore. my how times have changed.

i finally got a good night's rest last night as well. i hadn't been sleeping well because i haven't been able to get comfortable because now that i have to sleep on my side, my hands get numb. i'm usually a back sleeper. from time to time, i'll end up on my back in the middle of the night but then wake up suddenly because i can't breathe - the twins are apparently putting pressure on my diaphragm and lungs. so i went on a search for a solution and found the Leachco Back N Shape Adjustable Maternity Pillow Set. it's a 2 pillow set where 1 pillow in the shape of a wedge supports my belly and the other pillow supports my back and prevents me from slipping back onto my back in the middle of the night. the 2 pillows can detach and adjust as my belly grows and when the babies are born, the back pillow part can be used like a boppy feeding pillow.

i'm still getting used to using it and my hand still gets numb from time to time, but so far so good. i'll have to talk to the doctor tomorrow at our next visit about the numbness. i'm hoping it's not carpel tunnel as i've read on many forums about this same problem!

since January 18, 2014

i was going to do a weekly updates thing on my pregnancy, but i kept pushing it back... just in case. but i still kept a handwritten account of things week-by-week since i hit 7 weeks. for your viewing and laughing pleasure... you might have to click on the photos to enlarge them.

 

baby A's video!